Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men engage in open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- The psychotherapist practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
