These Words given by My Father Which Saved Us during my time as a Brand-New Father

"I believe I was just in survival mode for a year."

Ex- reality TV star Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the challenges of being a father.

But the truth quickly turned out to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was thrust into becoming her chief support while also caring for their infant son Leo.

"I took on every night time, each diaper… every walk. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. It was a chat with his parent, on a park bench, that helped him see he required support.

The straightforward words "You aren't in a good spot. You require assistance. How can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and find a way back.

His situation is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. Although the public is now more accustomed to discussing the pressure on mums and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges fathers encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan thinks his challenges are linked to a wider reluctance to open up among men, who continue to internalise damaging notions of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and remains standing every time."

"It is not a sign of being weak to ask for help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - especially in preference to a mother and child - but she stresses their mental well-being is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the space to ask for a break - going on a couple of days abroad, away from the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he required a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states as well as the practical tasks of taking care of a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -physical connection and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has transformed how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of feelings and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen lacked reliable male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "poor actions" when younger to change how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as escapism from the pain.

"You find your way to things that don't help," he explains. "They might briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Managing as a First-Time Parent

• Open up to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, confide in a family member, your partner or a counsellor what you're going through. Doing so may to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the activities that made you feel like yourself before becoming a parent. It could be exercising, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the body - a good diet, getting some exercise and when you can, resting, all are important in how your emotional health is doing.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - listening to their journeys, the difficult parts, as well as the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help is not failure - prioritising yourself is the best way you can support your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the passing, having had no contact with him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead provide the safety and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - processing the frustrations safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men since they acknowledged their pain, transformed how they communicate, and figured out how to control themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and dealing with things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I said, at times I think my purpose is to instruct and tell you what to do, but in reality, it's a exchange. I'm learning just as much as you are on this path."